It doesn't always have to be a PB

Since I started taking part in Telford Parkrun (a not for profit organisation arranging free to enter, timed 5K runs around a local park), my finish time has been steadily getting quicker. It is a great feeling to come away each week with a new Personal Best which is edging ever closer to my goal of completing the course in under 30 minutes.

It stands to reason that you cannot maintain this improvement indefinitely- you'd end up finishing before you even started -  but this Saturday, I thought I would be in for a good time.

I had not been out running since completing the Market Drayton 10K the previous Sunday and I was really keen to get back out and see what I could manage over the shorter distance. Stupidly, I thought 5K would feel easy having now ran twice that much. I was very wrong.

Five kilometres may only be half of 10 kilometres but it is still 3.1 miles - which is 3.1 miles more than I would ever have imagined being able to run before starting my beginners training 6 months ago.  (Lets be generous and say 3 miles more - I probably could have managed the 0.1!)

I started off really well. My daughter and I jogged from the car park to the start (first time we'd ever even contemplated doing that!) so we were well warmed up and ready. The first part of the course is a long downhill stretch and even with the uphill parts that followed, I averaged a comfortably less than 10minute mile pace. I was well on target, not just for a new personal best but for my ultimate sub 30 minute goal.

Unfortunately, things started to go wrong.

My legs felt fine, my breathing was OK but my stomach felt knotted and my back and shoulders were tired and achey. I tried to ignore it all and power on and sometimes I succeeded, keeping pace with runners in front of me.  But it was a struggle. A quick look at my running watch was my undoing.

My watch is set to tell me how far I have run, the time it has taken and my average pace at the end of each completed mile. It became clear that not only was my goal slipping out of reach with each laboured step, but I wasn't going to achieve a new personal best either. I lost heart.

The course consists of a two laps, a long one and a shorter one. Cruelly, you run past the finish twice before you cross the line and even more cruelly, there is a steep incline just beyond the finish. I passed the finish line for the second time, witnessing competitors sprinting home to claim their best time (the elite athletes having long finished). I pushed myself up the hill and beyond, my motivation draining with each step. I thought about my daughter running behind me and wondered if she was feeling as bad as me. I stopped. I walked. I looked around and saw her some way away. I continued to walk and waited for her to catch up.

After a while, my daughter made up the ground between us and I resumed running with her. We both struggled, but we finished. I didn't feel great about it.

This was the thirteenth Parkrun in Telford. Maybe there is some truth in the unlucky connotation of the number 13. Due to a mix up with the start time of the race, the published results were wrong. It gave my daughter and I a time minutes more respectable than we deserved! They were later corrected but the  error did have the effect of making me focus less on the importance of my time than I had been previously. It was like a sign - a warning even.

Fixating on getting a new personal best had been a key factor in me giving up and walking. I see now how idiotic that is. As lovely as it is to see real improvement, sometimes it is enough just to get round. No doubt I will have good days and bad days. I will celebrate the good days and bask in the glory of a new PB. I will celebrate the bad days too. As long as I give it all I have, it will always be a personal triumph.

Plans and goals

It hasn't been the easiest or best start to the New Year. On top of self worth issues catalysed by my husband's Christmas gifts to me I have had a parenting wobble. Being a mum has always been  the most important thing to me so when I get it wrong, it hurts me to my core. There is also the fact that I missed a New Year/40th Birthday Party that I had really been looking forward to because I couldn't justify dragging my little ones along when they were both still struggling with coughs that interfere with their sleep... and my usual babysitters, my older girls, were all at the party. It was a fancy dress party with a "last 40 years of film" theme and Ivy and Charis did look amazing as the most excellent Bill and Ted!

And perhaps in the interest of completeness and to paint the full picture of my bad start to the year I should also mention my catastrophic Sky Lantern episode. We had four sky lanterns that we planned to let drift majestically skyward. One did actually just about make it. Another got tangled dangerously in a tree. My relief as it finally freed itself without setting fire to the branches was short lived. It bounced over the flat roof extension of my kitchen and wedged itself up against our next door neighbour's caravan. My daughter's fireman boyfriend sprang into action, beating out the flames with a child's hallowe'en broomstick and no harm was done that a wipe with a damp cloth couldn't fix. The final two lanterns never quite managed to build up enough warm air to make them rise. Instead, the lantern paper ignited. This is their soggy remains after our friendly fireman stuffed them into the chiminea.

I did see the funny side of the lantern disaster and I am trying to focus on all the wonderfully thoughtful things my husband does for me throughout the year rather than allow his uninspired Xmas gifts to be the definitive measure of my worth. I am also feeling a million times better about my role as a mum and am so grateful for each of my six wonderful children.

With a more positive outlook, I finally feel ready to take stock and think about plans and goals for 2012 and as writing them down gives them weight and demonstrates my commitment to them, here goes:

1. I have definitely put on a few unwanted pounds over the holiday period so my first goal is to shift that. The walk to and from Nursery School twice a day should help.

2. My two little ones have taken a backward step with regard to sleeping through the night. I always feel so much better able to cope with what life throws at me when I've had  a decent night's sleep so I am planning to implement some strategies to get things back to where we were.

3.  Last summer, our ballroom dance class was cancelled because the teacher basically wanted her Sunday back. We joined a different class but it was at a more advanced level and despite our best efforts to keep up, we struggled. I feel as though I know a lot more about the dances but a lot less about dancing for enjoyment and the exhilaration of flying around the floor. We have made the decision to  drop down to a lower level class that will give us the chance to be good at what we are doing again and rebuild some confidence. My goal for this year is to take our dance shoes for a twirl around The Ballroom in Blackpool and feel amazing.

4. I have two knitting projects that I want to complete. One I am doing with my mum is to make patchwork blankets for the cotbeds. The other I am going to attempt completely on my own. I bought myself a book called Gothic Knits. It hasn't been delivered yet but it has patterns for some amazing little vampire dolls. I can't wait to see what else there is to fire my imagination and have me reaching for my needles.

5. I really want to get to grips with my garden this year. I love being outside and working in the garden and my goal is to make my vegetable plot productive and enjoy the benefits of freshly harvested produce.

6. With the best intentions to work my way through an alphabet of imaginative dates with my husband last year, we only got as far as G. This year I want to get all the way to Z.

7. Six years ago when I moved into my current home, there wasn't a single room that wasn't in desperate need of a complete revamp (how I wish I had taken pictures!) It is all pretty good now but my goal this year is to freshen up the paintwork, win my battle against the clutter and add some finishing touches that will make it exactly the sort of living space I dream of.

That should keep me busy!